How Much Baggage is Too Much

September 3, 2016

You finally have found him at long last: the one. However, as your relationship develops and you start to peel back the layers, you may not always like what you find. As you learn more about his past, you could start to wonder how much emotional baggage is too much? Reversely, there may be some concerns about your own relationship history. Addressing emotional baggage immediately can help you decide if your best bet is to walk away or fight for your new found relationship.

Paranoia and Jealousy

One of the biggest relationship killers is possessiveness. If the person you’re dating needs to be constantly updated on where you are and whom you are with, this could be a huge red flag. That need to control will make you feel smothered and eventually resentful. Wanting to always be in control could stem from some kind of past relationship trauma that made the person paranoid about being cheated on. Thinking you own a person you are dating isn’t healthy and will only lead to conflict as you try to pull away from their controlling influence.

The “Ex” Trials

Do you feel like there’s an unseen third wheel in your relationship? Then you could be trying to vanquish the ghost of your new love’s ex. People stuck in the past will have a tremendously hard time moving forward. When you’re in a new relationship, the last thing you want to hear about is a person’s ex. It’s not a good sign if someone is fixated on a former relationship and wants to constantly talk about their ex. It takes time for a person to heal after a marriage or long-term relationship ends–in positive or negative terms. If he jumped into the dating scene too soon, he may not be ready for a real commitment with someone new.

A Financial Disaster

Just because you’re concerned with your new partner’s finances doesn’t make you a materialistic person. It’s natural to want to date someone who is dependable with money and knows how to budget when money gets tight. Does he have issues holding down a job? Does he have a lot of debt? Does he already show signs of stinginess and have a need to control purse strings? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, this may be too much baggage for a relationship.

Negative Thinking

We all have fallen victim to negative thinking at one point or another. But if you’re dating a person who constantly has a negative mindset, there’s trouble ahead for you. If your partner is always complaining and can never look on the bright side, you’ll start to feel the emotional drain of his personality. The negativity may end up extending to you and he may become overcritical. Self-doubt can often be at the root of negative thinking. He may think the worst of himself and therefore looks for problems all around him. He could come off as a whiner and you’re likely to find that quality about him very unattractive.

Communication Issues

Good communication is the foundation of a solid relationship. If you aren’t communicating effectively with your partner, you will not be able to move forward in your relationship. Communication issues may be borne out of past dysfunction within their family or previous relationships. Signs that he may not be communicate well is that he’ll stay quiet about his feelings until the point where he simply blows up and loses his temper. If he was hurt before, he could put up walls and have a hard time letting people in. Although some people will slowly let their guard down, others will always keep their distance.

Individuals with communication issues may also never be able to take criticism. Not that you should belittle your partner at every given opportunity. But you should be able to discuss problems you see in your relationship and discuss strategies to resolve these issues. If the person becomes defensive and shuts you down every time you try to talk about your feelings, then you might want to reconsider your relationship.

Taking a shrewd look at a person’s history and personality can help save you from heartbreak later on. Although you may care deeply for the person, you have to weigh whether you can get past the emotional baggage they’re carrying and find your way to a happily every after. Find your true love (minus the baggage) by using a professional matchmaking services like LunchDates in Boston, who specialize in Executive Matchmaking in the Greater Boston area for busy professionals and retirees.