Undateable. We cringe at the word. With all the challenges a typical single goes through, just avoiding becoming cynical is a miracle. Now we have this new, ambiguous term “undateable.” It’s loosely used to describe someone that’s beyond reproach. Even a little crazy. We’ve all met them. The crazy cat lady. The guy who is too cool for everyone (but he’s really a troll). The guy with really, really bad breath. Ugh.
Professional matchmakers would never call any single person undateable. However, not everyone becomes a client. So there’s the rub. Who can have success in the dating world and who can’t? There is a lid for every pot. I do believe that. However, you can become so methodical and delusional (can those go together?) that it makes it very tough for you to date. Love is like a dance, not an SAT exam. Let’s dig in…
1. Get a Reality Check. Being Delusional Doesn’t Help You.
It’s always easier to see a train wreck coming when you’re not the train in question. We’ve all had friends whose melodrama around their love life is all-consuming. Now if you’re a knockout, you’ll be able to get away with more. This is just a hard and honest fact. If you’re not supermodel material like the rest of us, a balanced viewpoint is to your best advantage; believe me.
Friends and family may or may not give you advice. Normally, we avoid it if it’s going to fall on deaf ears. If you’ve been single for a while and it’s all “their” fault, and you’re still out there, it may be time for a professional intervention. Dating coaches are just like any other professional you may hire, such as a personal trainer, hairdresser, or tailor. We’ll keep you in check and give you some tough love when you need it.
2. Dating Isn’t the Solution to Your Problems.
Should you date? Well, that’s up to you. Why do you want to date? That’s the most important question. There’s no right answer, and you can change your mind at any time. But it is important to know WHY you want to date. Are you getting back out there? Looking to get into a relationship? Want to find the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with? All of those are ok.
If you’re battling addiction or going through a personal trauma, you may want some space for yourself first. Dating is complicated. It takes time and energy. And there’s a lot of people out there to choose from. If you’re running from pain, shuffling through men or women to date will not solve your problem. In fact, people will more than likely pick up on it and run the other way.
3. Cats, Dogs, Kids, Work, and Everyone Else in Your Life….
Being single affords us the ability to form very close relationships with friends, family, animals, the forest, or the mountains. You get the idea. Yes, it’s important for you to have a life of your own; but if you’re too self-absorbed in your own life, then it may be hard to make room for someone else. Remember, if you do actually get into a relationship, you’re routine will change! You may have to juggle schedules with kids, or your weekly guys night. You may even have to miss a day at the gym. And please, please, don’t bring your dog on the date.
4. Your Deal Breakers Are Your Rules. Not Anyone Else’s.
This goes back to keeping your delusions in check. Deal Breakers are necessary. It helps us define who’s a good match for us, and who’s not. But the abuse of them, or the ludicrousy of others, can be a real hindrance to your love life. Good deal breaker: no smoking! Bad deal breaker: must live in Southie. No North Shore guys! You see? They’re your rules to help guide you. But if you make a rule for yourself that actually sabotages your efforts, you’re the one that loses.
Dating coaches are the best solution to keeping you on track and out of the “undateable” crowd. We can right the ship. But it takes you, my dear single friend, to give up control and let the professionals come in to help. At the end of the day, we all want to be happy and loved, undateable or not.
Aimee Burke has over a decade of experience as a relationship coaching professional. She is an avid writer and researcher for the Boston dating scene. She’s also the main contributor to LunchDates’ dating advice blog
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