You’re dealt a deck of cards. You hold in your hands the Queen of Hearts. Do you know how you’ll play your hand? There are no special instructions when it comes to falling in love. Rules are constantly bent and broken, just like human hearts. One question I am constantly asked from my clients why is it so difficult to fall in love in Boston. Granted, with some date coaching, you can set yourself up for success when it comes to wearing, doing, and saying the right things on a date. But there are some “uncontrollables” of the human heart when it comes to romance.
Chemistry, longing, excitement, and nervousness are all emotions that are evoked when you meet that someone that takes your breath away. But what if you don’t feel it? Or what if you’ve never felt it? And more importantly, how do you get there? Here is my take on the roadmap to the human heart:
The Open Heart: The person is open, hopeful, and optimistic on the possibility of finding love. They carry no judgments with the new people/dates they meet. They are completely open on the possibility of falling in love with someone that doesn’t fit their perfect “wish list”. They are happy people.
Remedy: This is the best position to be in. Be proactive and give it time!
The Broken Heart: This person has been badly wounded, and maybe justly so. They are unable to completely embrace the present moment. They bring the past (pain) with them wherever they go. They build emotional walls to protect them from moving forward and falling in love again.
Remedy: Yes, time heals all wounds. Surround yourself with loving friends and family. Participate in activities that bring you joy. This time is about bringing yourself back home and healing.
The Damaged/Hardened Heart: With trials and tribulations, this person is a non-believer in love. Courtship is just a game. Their own selfish pleasantries in dating are enjoyment enough. A real relationship is not the goal. They do not believe they are at fault for their own misery.
Remedy: You need to crack that seal open and become vulnerable again. Your past does not dictate your future. Some self reinvention and reflection is in order.
The Lonely Heart: Time has passed without the delivery of that special someone. The wanting of a romance has proven unfruitful and seems a lost cause.
Remedy: Gratitude. Being grateful for the love you already have in your life will open you up to more of it. Think about doing volunteer work and giving back to your family or community.
The Dormant Heart: Have you ever spoken to someone who has “given up”? This person doesn’t try anymore. They believe that life will not provide them the partner they’ve been looking for. Their heart, in essence, is asleep.
Remedy: What is the answer to anything that sleeps too long? Wake it up! If you cannot inject the perfect person into your life, the next best thing is something that you’re passionate about. Think about it. If you are filled with passion doing something, surely passion with continue to enter your life.
For every state you find your heart in, you can most assuredly identify with contributing to the state of another’s heart as well. Did you break a heart? Did you help harden one? Maybe, on the positive, you helped open one up? I work on the opening of hearts all the time. I have the key. It’s a tough job, but it is also the most rewarding.
There is no rule book for the human heart. What I’ve learned most recently is that the head and mouth cannot lead the heart to a place it does not want to go. You can’t think yourself into falling in love.
The heart leads on its own accord.
However, that being said, if your heart is not in the right place, you’ll end up lost or stuck in a dead end. As I sit here writing this and thinking of you reading this, I wonder where your heart is? I hope it’s open. I hope you want to explore and share your love with the world. There are no guarantees with love. There’s that other person to consider. And we all know how predictable people are.
Why are we so drawn to wanting to fall in love? Why does it consume us and drive us mad? It’s that beating muscle inside our chest that connects us all. We don’t know any other way to live. Who would want to anyway?
Aimee Burke is a Boston dating coach and matchmaker at LunchDates. Aimee specializes in date coaching for singles in the Boston area. She also serves as an executive matchmaker and recruits professional singles for her clients.
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